


Isn't it Lovely, All Alone?

by Nightingale_Warbles



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs Therapy, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs a Hug, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Light Angst, Nile Freeman Needs a Hug, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Movie: The Old Guard (2020), Pre-Time Skip, Sad Booker | Sebastien le Livre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:20:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26361055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightingale_Warbles/pseuds/Nightingale_Warbles
Summary: “I know. I wish I could tell you it will get better, but it probably won’t. But going back to my family is my biggest regret, and if I could go back and leave with the others after my first death, I would. The years of extra time I got were not worth the centuries I have had where the first thought I have when I think of any of them is their hatred of me. My youngest son died in the hospital, screaming at me, calling me selfish for keeping my gift to myself. My last interaction with my blood family was one of hatred and sorrow.”At this point, Booker was trying to suppress tears himself. In the past two hundred years, he had managed to become numb to the pain of losing his family. While it still hurt, he could fight through it. However, with the recent loss of his second family, them leaving him alone. Them being angry at him because he had wanted to get rid of this curse and they had accidentally become collateral.
Relationships: Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Nile Freeman
Comments: 5
Kudos: 44





	Isn't it Lovely, All Alone?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Title is from the song Lovely by Billie Eilish.

Sunlight streamed through the window, lighting the room with a warm glow. As Booker opened his eyes, his first thought was that the light was beautiful. His second was that the light, regardless of how warm and inviting it made the room feel, was definitely doing nothing for the pounding headache he had. 

He could not remember how much he had to drink the night before, but based on the amount of bottles that were lying around when he got up to close the curtains, he had had a fair amount. That probably explained why he could not remember how much he had drank, or really anything else after 7 yesterday.

After he shut the curtains, he started his morning. Before he did anything else, he checked his phone. Despite knowing that his betrayal had probably ended any fond feelings any of his family had ever, and would ever, have for him, Booker had only one small hope in his life at the moment: that at some point, one of them would contact him. 

He knew that it was very unlikely they would contact him until his exile was over. Even if they did contact him during his exile, it would not be for at least another few decades, probably more. They might contact him when Andy was on the verge of death, so he would be able to say goodbye, if their anger had faded enough by that point, but he honestly wouldn’t blame them if they simply informed him once she had passed. Other than that, the only reason any of them had to contact him was if a mission had gone wrong. Nile and Copley would be able to take over any gaps in knowledge the team had in technology, and they would be able to figure out how to get professional forgaries for their identification. No one would miss him on any missions, Booker was sure. But if a mission went south, Copley might call him in to try and get them out. 

Booker honestly wasn’t sure whether he wanted to see a message or missed call on his phone in the morning. When he saw the blank screen, he always felt a mixture of disappointment and thankfulness, at war with each other, neither coming out on top. He didn’t want his family hurt, never wanted his family hurt. But, despite knowing this, and knowing how much he had hurt them, they were still the only people he cared about in the world who were still alive. Other than them and his family, he had never wanted or needed relationships with anyone else, and the past few months had done nothing to change that fact. 

Booker thought it was kind of fitting, honestly. They were the only people he had ever cared about, his two families. He had betrayed both of them, and ended up hurting them in the end. That was the reason why he refused to make any new connections. He did not want to hurt anyone else, but anyone he got close to, he hurt. He knew no one in the city in which he was currently living, and very few people would recognize him. 

After having spent half an hour sitting on his bed, staring at his phone, Booker finally got up and started preparing for another day. He got a beer from his fridge, a new change of clothes, and his computer. As he sat at the table in his kitchen, he finished his beer and started researching the person who had earned his ire that day. Over the course of the day, Booker planned on taking the man down by finding and releasing information that would get him placed in prison. He had done the same for a few weeks now, taking down a person every day, maybe two days if the person’s wrongdoings were buried deep. 

When he had worked with the team, Booker had been in charge of researching all of their missions beforehand and vetting anyone who hired them. He had experience digging up every dirty secret a person had, and learning everything about them, down to what they had for dinner last night or when they planned on leaving for work in the morning. He had never been a fighter, however. He could gather information easily, forge almost anything, but he had never been particularly good as a warrior. There was a reason he avoided fighting people in close combat, and preferred guns if he even had to fight face-to-face. Booker was particularly fond of modern explosives, and always believed that, if the mission was to destroy a building and kill everyone in it, planting a bomb was the way to go. 

Without his family, Booker could never run the same type of missions he used to. Booker only did well as support in close combat, and therefore without his family, he did not want to get involved in a mission that would require him to fight someone. Exposing the people, and letting the law enforcement take them, though? That's something he could do easily and without having to fight anyone face-to-face. 

An hour into his research, and it looked like this was going to be a two day project. He got up to get another beer, throwing his first in the recycling bin on the way by. As he grabbed the beer from the fridge, he also looked inside to see what he had to eat. The only things in his fridge were his beers and a few leftover slices of pizza from a few days before. Booker rarely ate lunch while working anyway, so he would be good until tomorrow. 

He started working again. A few minutes in, he heard a faint noise coming from his room. It took a few seconds for him to recognize the sound as his ringtone. No one had his number except Copley, who had given him the phone in the first place. 

Booker ran to his phone as quickly as he could. The only reason Copley would call him would be if something terrible happened. It didn’t even cross his mind that it might be one of the others. It hadn’t even been a year yet. Even in the fifteen seconds it took him to get to his phone, many possibilities of what might have happened came to mind. They might have all been captured. They may have been discovered and separated. The most horrible thought he had was that Andy could have been killed. Booker had assumed Andy would die of old age, but any wound could be fatal now. At that thought, Booker reached his phone and saw, as he expected, a number he did not recognize. He answered it without hesitation. 

“Hello,” he gasped into the phone. 

“Hey, Book,” replied a voice he was not expecting. Nile sounded like she was about to dissolve into tears on the other end of the line, but that did not register with Booker for a few seconds. Instead, he stood there in shock for a few seconds. 

Finally he said, “Hi, Nile. Is everyone okay? Are you hurt?”

“No, everyone is fine. How are you?”

“Good. I’m good.”

“That’s good.” They sat there in silence for a few seconds. Then Booker heard a sniffle on the other end of the line. He hadn’t known Nile for long before his exile, but she had seemed like the type to try to hide emotions like sadness and anger in order to protect others. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked her before he had a chance to debate whether that would be crossing a line. He was not a part of her family. If she wanted someone to talk to, she had Joe and Nicky and Andy. But even as he thought that, he knew that wasn’t entirely true. As great as the other three were, they could not remember being new, and it was difficult to talk with them about issues with transferring from mortality to immortality. 

He expected her to respond with an avoidance tactic. It is what the others would have done, what he would have done in the face of that question. That’s probably why he was so surprised when she got right to the point. 

“How did you let go?”

He paused for a second, processing her question. “What?”

“How did you let go of your family and your life? I know what you said about staying away and having a clean break, but all I want to do is go and talk to them one last time, make sure that they’re okay. And I know I shouldn’t, but every time we have a break, I’m so tempted to just get on a plane and go to them.”

Nile was crying by the end of her rant. Booker got the feeling this was the first time she had mentioned these feelings to anyone. 

“I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know it hurts, I know it feels like you have lost everyone you care about. But you have Nicky, Joe, and Andy, and all of them care about you. And if you really want to go back to your family, none of them will stop you. All of them will help you, if that's really what you want. I’ll help you too, if you want. All I can say is that, while I fully support any decision you make, I think you should really consider what will happen if you do choose to go back.”

“Ya, I know, you said that they would become jealous and angry, and they would hate me. It doesn’t change the fact that the only thing I can think about most of the time is seeing them again.”

“I know. I wish I could tell you it will get better, but it probably won’t. But going back to my family is my biggest regret, and if I could go back and leave with the others after my first death, I would. The years of extra time I got were not worth the centuries I have had where the first thought I have when I think of any of them is their hatred of me. My youngest son died in the hospital, screaming at me, calling me selfish for keeping my gift to myself. My last interaction with my blood family was one of hatred and sorrow.”

At this point, Booker was trying to suppress tears himself. In the past two hundred years, he had managed to become numb to the pain of losing his family. While it still hurt, he could fight through it. However, with the recent loss of his second family, them leaving him alone. Them being angry at him because he had wanted to get rid of this curse and they had accidentally become collateral. 

Nile had calmed down, and was no longer crying loudly. 

“Are you sure you're okay, Book? You don’t sound too good.”

“I’m fine, Nile. Never better.” Booker was a good liar. It was probably what had gotten him to this point. Maybe if he had been better at telling them what was actually going on, or if they had been able to tell when he was upset, then he wouldn’t have felt like he needed to find a way to get rid of his gift. But he was a forger, and he was a liar, and so he was alone, even when he was surrounded by his family. 

“No,” Nile stated knowingly. “You’re not. When was the last time you ate?”

Booker thought about the leftovers of his last meal sitting in the fridge. 

“Recently.”

“Oh really?” She obviously wasn’t falling for it. “How long since you ate food, Booker? Alcohol doesn’t count.”

“A few days ago,” he admitted quietly. 

“A few days!” she demanded. “Booker, that’s super unhealthy. You need to eat!” 

“I know, I know.”

“We miss you, Book. Don’t hurt yourself while we can’t help you.” Nile sounded sad, almost to the point of crying again. 

“Nile, I’m not going to hurt myself. I’ve been working, so I missed a few meals. I’ve already got dinner for tonight.” There was no reason for her to know that ‘dinner’ was going to be two slices of cold pizza. “I wish I could be of more use, but until the others are ready, I don’t think I can help you. You probably shouldn’t be calling me at all. Do the others know you’re calling?”

“I mean, I didn’t tell them, but I get the feeling they know.”

“If they ask, tell them it was my idea. If they get angry, they’ll have enough time to cool off before I see them again. Plus, they hate me anyway. There’s no reason for them to be angry at you too.”

“No Booker,” she said softly. “No. They’re not angry at you. They’re hurt, and they’re upset, but they’re not angry. They loved you. They thought that you were, well maybe not happy, but at least content with them. Then they found out that you weren’t as okay as they thought you were. They are upset that you didn’t come to them and talk to them, they are upset with themselves for not noticing. They miss you, but they need time to forgive themselves and to forgive you, and then they want to try again.”

“Nile, they may be upset, but they’re angry as well. They think I betrayed them. Hell, even if it was an accident, I did betray them.”

There was a noise of surprise on the other end of the line. Booker heard some shuffling, and then “What do you mean, ‘accident’?”

“No one but me was ever supposed to be taken, Nile. The plan was that I would give myself up voluntarily. I didn’t know what had happened until they had already gotten Nicky and Joe, and they blew me up so I couldn’t go after them. They couldn’t find Andy, so they left me behind to bring her to them. It was the only way I could think of to find them. They didn’t know about you until you showed up. Nile, please believe me, I never meant for this to happen. It was an accident.”

“I believe you, Book. And I’m sure the others would too. They know you would never intentionally harm them. Like I said, they aren’t angry.” Nile spoke softly, comfortingly. For a second, Booker thought it was funny that she had called him for comfort, and yet had ended up comforting him. 

“If you say so,” Booker said disbelievingly. An alarm chimed on his laptop. He walked through the door to look at the screen and saw that he had found something on the person he had been checking out. “I have to go. You are always free to call, but check with the others first next time. I don’t need you joining me in exile,” he joked. 

“Oh, okay. I’ll check with the others, but I will call you again. Don’t think I won’t be checking in to make sure you’re eating,” she stated. 

“Then I will talk to you at some point. Oh, and Nile,” he said. 

“Ya?”

“The others, they care. If you ever need someone to talk to, all of us will listen.”

“I know. Goodbye Booker.”

“Goodbye Nile.” 

Nile hung up. And as Booker leaned down over his computer, he looked at the time. 12:30. He should probably eat lunch. He could eat the pizza now, and get takeout later. He would have to stock the fridge tomorrow. He wanted to be able to tell Nile truthfully that he had eaten the next time she called. 

The next time she called? Booker was surprised he thought that. There was no way the others would let her call again any time soon. But even as he thought that, he knew that the others would never be able to stop her if she really wanted to call. 

Another surprise was the moment when he realized that he was looking forward to that call. He used to feel apprehensive that the next call he got would be bad news, but now, he was excited. Maybe he could convince Nile to give him updates on the other. 

Booker thought the kitchen was a bit dark. While normally, he would either turn on another light or lower the light on his computer, today, he opened the curtains in the window.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope everyone is doing well! If you see any mistakes, or if you have any comments, questions, or suggestions, either for this or for future fics, please let me know. Thank you for reading this, Nightingale.
> 
> Edit: This was going to be multiple chapters, but school started and I’ve been and am going to be busy. I don’t think I’m going to be able to write anything for this anytime soon, and I’m honestly not sure I want to continue this when I can. I may end up finishing what I had planned, but I probably won’t anytime soon. For this reason, I have changed this to a one-shot. Thanks!


End file.
